Barba Ruiva Em Resumo: Depersonalization, an annoying relationship with reality

Suddenly, you look around and you feel something is not right. Things feel strange. You look at your hand, your arms, your legs...you know they are hands, arms, and legs...but, what does it mean?! Whose are they?! You look at the mirror...who is this person staring at you?! You know that's you, but it doesn't mean much. You feel a stranger within your own skin. It feels like you are there, but not really there. You are aware of the world, but not of yourself, or of what it means this "self".

Depersonalization can be a most annoying disorder. It makes one feel detached from one's own self. It feels as if you were looking at the world from above, and your body is down there, standing on the ground, but your mind is high up there, just aware of things, but not able to feel, to recognize things and associate meaning to the environment. And, the most you feel that way, the most anxious you get, and the most depersonalized you feel. But, I'm not getting into too much detail here, on this post, since there's quite a lot to read from the web (links are listed further down on this post), with pretty much useful info on what it is, its possible causes, treatments, and so on.

What I'd like to mention now are the two, maybe three, most significant episodes I can remember experiencing. If you suffer from depersonalization, you'll most certainly relate to these experiences.

First, I remember this one time I was together with my ex-girlfriend at her house, and, completely out of a sudden, I look at her and don't really recognize her. I knew, factually, who she was, but that didn't mean much to me. I looked at her face, and it felt as if I were a computer, a robot (hence the title of this blog). I had the data, but that was it. I had the information about the situation, but felt nothing. It's hard, really hard to describe such an experience. And, right after feeling a stranger to her (and we had been together for at least 6 years then), and to the environment, I soon felt a stranger to myself. I didn't seem to be who I was. My body was there, but my mind was floating in space.

The second most significant experience happened one day, about a few months ago, when I was walking to work. Again, all of a sudden, my mind went astray. I looked down, and saw legs walking, saw hands moving, but it was as if I looked at a machine. My body moved on "auto-pilot", I didn't know who I was, and didn't even feel like I knew what "being" really was. There was just this consciousness of the world around, nothing more. Then, a minute or two later, realizing what was happening, I had to try really hard to grab a hold of the situation, and try to force my mind back into my body, to recognize myself as a being, to unite awareness to self to body/brain. I guess it took me about 5 to 10 minutes to be able to sort of get back to normal.

Then, a week or so ago, it happened again. I went to the bathroom early in the morning to brush my teeth, or wash my hands (can't really remember), and suddenly caught a glimpse of a presence on the mirror. I didn't know who that was. Then, getting back to the mirror, I stayed there, staring at that image. I knew it was me, but it wasn't me. I was "somewhere else"! Suddenly, I had this incredible awareness of the world, where my body was a part of it, but not my mind. It felt as if I were a puppeteer, looking at an unreal scenario. Everything seemed sort of fake, because my level of awareness of things was so high, that every thought was analyzed as an object of study. What I did, this time, was simply to ignore what was happening. I had felt like that so many times before, so I thought that if I could only ignore that episode, it would go away. And, fortunately, it did. Somehow, I was able to tell my mind "don't care about it, ignore it", and it did. A few minutes later, I was myself again.

It is really, really hard to describe in words what it feels like to be detached from reality. Real depersonalization episodes are a totally insane thing. Most people will have, at some point in life, a faint idea of what it might feel like. After moments of intense stress, most people will experience a minor episode of depersonalization. But, the real thing, unfortunately for us who suffer from it, will happen more frequently than to the normal person, and in a lot more intense way.

The movie "Numb", with Matthew Perry, does quite a nice job in trying to show a bit of what it feels like to have that kind of experience. See the trailer below (some useful links on this subject are right below the trailer).